ENJOY THE TEA

Our Roads Family Institute, Inc.

ENJOY THE TEA

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life. Offering his guests a cup of tea, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of tea and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the tea.
When all the students had a cup of tea in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the tea in most cases, just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink.
What all of you really wanted was tea, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... and then began eyeing each other's cups.
Now consider this: Life is the tea; the jobs, money, and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not define, nor change the quality of Life we live. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the tea God has provided us"

God brews the tea, not the cups.... enjoy your tea.

(I didn't write this, it was an e-mail I received today, but it is so appropriate for us in this stress-out world of ours.)-- Minnie

Third (3rd) Parties

What is Third (3rd) Party contaminating? A contaminate is anything that interferes with your relationship with another person, with God, or even with yourself.
What Third (3rd) party contaminates has infiltrated your relationship? What are the issues in your relationships that are causing problems? The most common one that comes to people’s minds is an extra-martial affair (if you are married) or an intimate relationship with another person (while already in an intimate relationship). But to be honest, there are many, many 3rd party contaminates.
For instance, Stress, busyness, pornography, over-involved family member or friend, and the list can go on. It is anything that causes a person not to give the adequate amount of attention to the other person that is called for in the relationship.
Minnie Patmon-McLaurin

The Maslow Pyramid as Related to WORK/JOB Needs

The Maslow Pyramid

1. The Maslow pyramid is associated with the hierarchy of need theory that Abraham Maslow originated circa 1943. According to this theory the most basic need is related to physiological survival - air to breathe, water to drink, food to eat.
*(This chart can also be applied to a person’s work and or job needs. For instance our basic (minimum wage) jobs can be viewed, as the Physiological work/job needs. These jobs provide just enough to keep us alive ‘to feed us’ but not enough to provide any safety or security.)

2. Next in order of precedence comes a set of needs for such things as safety and security.
*(This level of work of jobs can be viewed as entry-level job with benefits that provide for a person of family to acquire the next basic needs for a family. Such as the ability to purchase a second ‘sometimes first’ car ‘probably used’ and or the ability to purchase a first ‘small’ home.)

3. Once an individual has taken care of his or her basic physiological needs and feels safe and secure some degree of need for love and belonging may well rise to the forefront of their concerns.
*(This is the level of promotions and the possible entry into 1st line management or supervision. With this comes the feeling of some sort of accomplishment which leads to the next natural level of feeling and expectations of entitled to and expecting the next step to follow. Which is more responsibility and money. This is the time that a new car and or a new ‘larger’ home are usually purchased.)

4. Need for the respect of our fellow's, and for self-respect, are seen as being next in order of precedence.
*(This level can be viewed as one of “I have arrived”. The person has the money to do the things they have always wanted to do. They take the vacations, travel, and do things that they have been working all of these years for. They have or are in the process of purchasing their dream home. They have the cars or they are in the process of getting the cars they have always wanted. This is the level of feeling that they have “made it”.)**

Maslow referred to the (4) four levels of needs already mentioned as deficit needs, or D-needs. If you don’t have enough of something -- i.e. you have a deficit -- you feel the need. Maslow saw all these needs as essentially survival needs. Even love and esteem are needed for the maintenance of health.The last level of the pyramid is a bit different. Maslow used a variety of terms to refer to this level: - growth motivation (in contrast to deficit motivation), being needs (or B-needs, in contrast to D-needs), and self-actualization. People might particularly try to realize their being needs once they have enough of food, security, belonging and respect but!!! Enough of self-actualization is harder to attain. In point of fact self-actualization is seen as being somewhat addictive, once experienced it is something that people tend to want more and more of! Moreover people can only really pay attention to self-actualization needs once their more basic needs are satisfactorily met! Very few people actually live, move, and have their being, within the realms of such self-actualization - mainly because people are generally involved in meeting the other needs already outlined.Several things are associable with "self-actualization" - being independently confident in meeting life's challenges - in choosing between that which is more and that which is less worthwhile - and in feeling that one's time has been used creatively and inventively.The Abraham Maslow hierarchy of need theory was later adapted to include a greater complexity in the area of self-actualization. Under this adaptation human needs included a thirst for knowledge and a need for aesthetical order and beauty prior to self-actualization and a "Transcendence" need beyond self-actualization where people would feel a need to help others to find fulfillment.

**These levels have a beginning, middle, and ending stage, which takes the person to the next level with its beginning, middle, and end stages. For example a person at the end of stage/level 3 and at the beginning of stage/level 4 can look rather similar. Just as the person at the end of stage/level 2 and the person at the beginning of stage/level 3 will look very similar. How long a person stays in a stage or at a level can determine if they will ever reach the next stage or level. For instance a person at level 1 for most of his or her life will not likely ever make it to stage 3 or 4.

The lower and middle class in our Society seemed to not have learned or even understood this concept. We seem to continue in the same struggles that our ancestors did, not learning very much. Until we realize that we are the ones that should control our destiny and not society or government, only than will we move away from this mentality (the mentality that we are owed something by someone). And the only way we can develop this mentality is to develop an entrepreneurial spirit. A spirit that seeks to satisfy our basic and deficit needs in order to strive to fulfill our self-actualization needs. These needs involve giving back to our communities, society, and our fellow human beings.

***The words in italics & Color are the words, thoughts, and beliefs of: Minnie Patmon-McLaurin (7/4/06). The words in Black & not in italics are from: The 'age-of-the-sage.org' Website & Brian J. Hayes retrieved from the World Wide Web on 7/4/06.

True Vision

Proverbs 29:18: "Without a Vision my people perish."

There is so much information nowadays about Visions and Goals. Everyone seems to be saying that you should have a Vision or you should have Goals. As young people (18-25), this is a very hard concept to grasp. Because most people at that age are just, “Living for the Weekend”. Their concept of future is the next party. I’m not criticizing; I’m just stating the facts and there is nothing wrong with that view. I think everyone should have that time to feel free and unencumbered by life’s responsibilities. But that is not how it goes in most situations. Most ladies in that age group either has a child; are married; in a serious relationship; or dealing with something that is consuming their time and energy in such a way that they are not experiencing the freedom and enjoyment of just being young and alive. In this Country (US) we are thumbing our noses at the freedom that we have by not living a life of freedom and enjoyment because we are so consumed with, “things”, “stuff” and “issues” in our lives. While people in other countries are dying daily just to get to this country to taste just a little bit of freedom and peace. (Sorry, I digressed). Let me get off my soapbox.

Fast forward to the next age group (25-40). Most ladies in this age group are bogged down with raising their family; dealing with their marriage(s); dealing with divorce(s); dealing with abuses (job, marriage, societal, substance, sexual, etc.). You name it we deal with it. But it is about around this age group that we start to think about Goals or Plans. We had planned to be married by a certain age; planned to have a certain job or career by a certain age; planned to have done, “this or that” by a certain age. And if we had not reached those goals, we start to rethink our lives. We start to doubt if we are on the right path. We start to wonder, “what is my purpose in life”, “what am I meant to do?” This is when the True Vision starts to emerge. When those questions start to come to mind, that is a sign that your true inner person is trying to surface. In most cases, ladies will reassess their lives and wonder if they married the right person; wonder if they are in the right career field; or even wonder, “why am I not married”, or “why didn’t I go to college or ever get a job”. These are all questions designed to get us to thinking about ourselves because most of our lives we have always been thinking about others and taking care of others.

What is a Vision? A vision is a mental picture of a Future State. What is True Vision? True Vision is that mental picture of a Future State—But where God wants us to be. And for most of us the burning questions are, “Where do I want to go?” or “Where does God want me to be?” In order for us not to be paralyzed by uncertainty, a good place to start is to understand what God wants us. First of all He wants us to know Him. Then He wants us to be whole, healthy, and have peace of mind. So if anyone one of these areas in our lives needs to be worked on, then that can be a starting point of our True Vision. But where do you start? Once you have gotten a mental picture of where you want to be. Then comes the part of getting there, that is where the Goal part comes in.

What is a Goal? A goal is just the Vision broken down into bite-sized pieces. By breaking them down into a size that can be carried out the vision is not so overwhelming. For instance if you need to learn more about God, do some research, find a group that can help you. But always be mindful of the information you receive. You are in a position where you have to do analysis and research. You are asking questions, lots of questions to get answers—answers that work, that really make sense. Not just listening to someone telling you about Him. Or maybe your vision is to become whole. You will need to seek help from someone that can really help you. This may mean shopping around. Just because someone is in a certain profession, does not necessarily mean that they can help you. I have been to many counselors, therapist, and doctors, but they have not all been able to help me. I have received most of my help from researching, questioning, reading, and praying for myself. This brings us to a very important aspect of getting to our True Vision.

Help-Support Team: We are not on our own individual islands in this world. We all need a group of people that support and help us to achieve the goals in our lives. It is very important that they are a source of support and help, and not tearing us down. Sometimes the problem we run into is that the very people that we think should be supporting us are the very ones that ‘we feel’ are trying to tear us down. If this is the case, do not waste time and energy trying to get those people to see your vision. Find a (proper) healthy team of people that can and will support you. You noticed I put in parentheses the word proper. By that I mean, if your husband is not supporting your vision, do not go find another male (unless is it your brother, uncle, or father) to get your support from. Remember, on this road to our True Vision we do not want to get derailed because we are making unhealthy and unwise choices.

Implement it—Do it: “Just Do It” that is the Nike® slogan, and that is what we have to do to accomplish our goals and to get to our True Vision—our Future State.

Minnie Patmon-McLaurin (6/22/06)

The Best Laid Plans...

Proverbs 16:9: "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."

This is so hard for some people to understand in this world of ours today. I have had many people ask me how did I know what to do. How do I know if it is my 'will' or God's "Will". I have not always known in the past. But now that I am older, it has become a lot easier. People ask me how do I know when it is, "G_d" speaking? I have learned, if you know His Word, you will know when He is talking to you. I don't mean, just know scriptures and verses. I mean Know Him. Who He is and how He operates. I will tell them for example, if someone said to me, "G_d told me to divorce my husband and marry another man" (it has been said and done). I would tell them that was not G_d, that was their own desires (we have them you know and they are not always good). He does not operate that way. I have had people tell me things that they say G_d had told them I should do. I tell them, "until G_d tells me, it ain't so" (don't get crazy about the grammer). G_d does not keep us in the dark about what he wants for us or wants us to do.
I have always had plans and goals, sometimes things goes according to my plans and sometimes they don't. People don't quite understand that when things don't go according to my plans, that I am not upset. I am not upset because I know G_d knows better than me. If things don't go the way I planned them, I know there is a better plan than mine out there waiting for me.

Minnie Patmon-McLaurin

Stumbling Block or Stepping-Stone: A Matter of Degreesº

₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪₪
After getting a divorce from a twenty-two year marriage and after having my third heart operation, I could have become dishearten (no pun intended) with the way my life and health was going and became angry, depressed and bitter—but I didn’t. A stumbling block is defined as an obstacle or a hindrance—surely these things could legitimately have been viewed as obstacles or a hindrance.
My life took a major turn at the age of 40—partly do to my mother. My mother was 40-years old when she gave birth to me—a breach baby. I came into this world against the grain—not the norm! The year my mother celebrated her 80th birthday, it struck me. There is a very good possibility that I will live to be 80—another 40 years. I took a real assessment of my life. I had been married 22-years, I had two wonderful and beautiful children, one grown and graduated from college, the other a junior in high school. And I was about to face another possible 40 years struggling in a marriage where I felt my husband did not like or respect me or women in general—my opinion of course. But that’s the opinion that counts.
My husband of 22-years filed for divorce, not because he wanted to, but because he wanted to save face. You see he couldn’t let it be known that his wife wanted to divorce him. When I told my mother I was getting a divorce, I thought she was going to have a heart attack. The news took her breath away and it upset her very much. You see my mother never knew there was any problems between my husband and I. I never told her my problems, or ran to “mommy” when things were not going so well. But after we talked and I explained some things to her, she started telling me things about her marriage. About some of the things she had went through with my father. Mother and dad had 13 children and dad already had 2 before he married mother. My parents were married over 50-years before my dad pass away.

Stepping-stone is defined as a means of advancement. My getting a divorce after 22-years of marriage could have been a stumbling block for me. I could have taken the view of failure, disappointment, blame and bitterness. But I didn’t. Instead I viewed it as a stepping-stone toward the person I was destined to become. I did not know fully beforehand what this person would look like, but I did know that this was one step closer to her. I have never viewed my marriage as a failure. People have asked on many occasions how I viewed or felt after getting a divorce after being married for 22-years, if I felt it was a big waste. And I tell each one that: My marriage was not a failure. That I had accomplished everything from that marriage that was intended. I had two wonderful and beautiful children, that had it not been for my marriage I would not have had. That all the thing that I learned from being in that marriage for 22-years, I will be able to help someone else in life. If I will be able to help one woman not take the same road I took, it is all worth it. If you noticed that I did not say, “mistake”. I also do not view my marriage as a mistake. Grant it, I did make some mistakes in my marriage, but the marriage was not a mistake. To view the marriage as a mistake would be to say I did not learn anything from those 22-years. And trust me, I learned a whole lot! Mainly, I learned what not to do the next time—if there ever were to be a next time.
Degree is defined as any of a series of steps or stages as well as a unit of measurement. I have looked at my life as steps and stages progressing towards a destination that is more wonderful than I could have ever imagined in my limited finite mind. I have to take and embrace the things that happen in my life as steps forward towards my destiny. I don’t know exactly what that destiny is, but I have the faith that it is where I am suppose to be. As I grow and learn, I am confident that I will never fully “arrive” at my destiny until I have left this earth. But in the meantime, I will become as whole of a person as possible—full of “joy”, “contentment”, “peace”, and “life”.
Endnote: I am now remarried, going on 3-years, to a wonderful man. I am one month away from finishing my Master’s degree. I am in the middle of changing my job and starting a career. I have formed and incorporated a non-profit faith-based counseling organization. And next year on my birthday I will be 53. Stumbling block or stepping-stone, it’s a matter of degrees—your perspective determines which one it will be.
[1] Copyright © 2006 by Minnie Patmon-McLaurin

A Healthy Intimate Relationship

The goal in an intimate relationship is to feel calm, centered and focused. The intimacy needs to be safe, supportive, respectful, non-punitive and peaceful. You feel taken care of, wanted, unconditionally (fully) accepted and loved just for existing and being alive in a healthy intimate relationship. You feel part of something and not alone in such a relationship. You experience forgiving and being forgiven with no revenge or reminding of past offenses. You find yourself giving thanks for just being alive in this relationship. A healthy intimate relationship has a sense of directedness with plan and order as well as a sense of purpose. You experience being free to be who you are rather than who you think you need to be for the other person. This relationship makes you free from the "paralyzing of analyzing", the need to analyze every minute detail of what goes on in it. An intimate relationship has its priorities in order, with people's feelings and process of the relationship coming before things and money. A healthy intimate relationship encourages your personal growth and supports your individuality (both male & female). This relationship does not result in you or your relationship partner becoming emotionally, physically or intellectually dependent on one another. An intimate relationship encourages the spiritual growth of both relationship partners and makes room for God in the relationship as a partner and friend.

If you need to improve the intimacy in your relationship, most likely what keeps you from having healthy intimacy with others is your own or your relationship partners' inability to establish and maintain healthy boundaries with one another. Relationship partners who are not able to establish healthy intimate relationship, will run the risk of not being able to establish a healthy sexually intimate relationship with each other. Ask yourself these questions about your intimate relationship:
· Do we have good times together, but fail at being emotionally, spiritually and physically intimate?
· Do we have an openly affectionate relationship with healthy emotionally based communication or do we just do things together, with no communication or affection giving?

Most women mistake having sex for intimacy. Although having sex is an intimate act, it is in most cases lacking intimacy. To be intimate you have to know the other person. To have sex with someone, knowing them is not necessarly a requirement. We as women have "sold our soul" for generations on the mistaken notion that by having sex with a man we are being intimate. That he is being intimate and caring with us, when for the most parts it is just a physical (sex) act.